Dude.

This post was written for The Journey blog at http://journeyon.net

During the 90s, Seinfeld became a huge success by poking fun at itself as “a show about nothing.”

During the first few verses of the Bible, God made something out of nothing too. God crafted the heavens and earth out of the void and breathed life into it.  He delighted in its goodness (Genesis 1:31).

But in chapter 2, God declared something was not good.  Man was alone.

When God made Eve from Adam’s rib, Adam rejoiced in his completeness, exclaiming, “At last!” His experience was one of delight and Eve’s experience was one of being delighted in.

Of course, this joy was before sin entered the world.  Adam didn’t say, “I hope she works out, God,” or “Hope you measure up to all my expectations, Eve.”  He wasn’t even mad that she took his rib.  He looked at her, just as God had looked upon creation, and said “This is good.”  He was delighted by her presence.  No agenda.  No need for results.  Just relationship.

This part of their story ends with a small but profound statement:  they “were both naked and were not ashamed,” which points toward their vulnerability (Genesis 2:24). They had total security with each other.

That security was later shattered by sin, which cracks the foundation of trust in relationships.  Sometimes we don’t see these cracks, but usually we are just like Adam and Eve.  We feel shame and hide.  They hid in the bushes (Genesis 3:8), but we hide in our hearts as shame causes us to protect ourselves.  The pattern establishes a “creeping separateness,” as one of our pastors calls it.

In God’s design, marriage is the opposite of that creeping separateness. The mandate that we should “become one flesh” is about a relationship that requires all of us—heart, soul, mind and body.  It is a oneness that should be pursued boldly and passionately, and it begins much like Adam began delighting in Eve—without shame.

Shame keeps us from experiencing God’s delight in us, too.  We see ourselves as unacceptable before God, but the gospel exposes our sin and covers our shame with the love of Jesus.  Because of Jesus, we can be naked and unashamed before a God who knows all our faults and loves us anyway.

To say that our relationship with God informs the rest of our relationships is a massive understatement.   Once we know God’s delight in us, we can be vulnerable enough to love and be loved.  So here are some things to reflect on.

The opportunity (and command) for us in marriage is to show Christ to one another.  What would happen if we loved our spouses like that?

How could the undeserving love we receive from Christ influence how we love our spouses, even in the midst of trials and failures?

God’s love for us is based on an unchanging covenant relationship him through Jesus.  It is not based on our performance (thankfully!).   How might we show our spouse a love not based on performance, but on the unwavering covenant relationship we share?

Finally, oneness is about showing Christ to one another, not about similar interests or agreement on all things.  How could we incorporate that as a governing principle in our marriages so that we can cultivate relationships free of shame and protection—relationships where we are naked and unashamed?

jd

The following was written by my good friend Saint Fults in preparation for his session at the Together 4 Adoption National Conference.

On October 1 and October 2, the Together for Adoption national conference will be held in Austin, Texas.  I will be hosting a session titled “The Needs of Foster Children.” In preparing for the conference, I continually asked what I think is a critical question:  What do foster children need?

Too often the heart of the question is ignored when answers to this question are things like books, bikes, clothes, suitcases, scholarships… and on and on and on. All of these answers are most assuredly correct, but they give an easy out that makes people feel better. It’s easy to donate money or buy a Christmas gift and say, “I really helped a child.” What is much harder is filling a need that has a permanent, lasting impact on the life of a child.

So what can we do? There are several answers, but I’d like to focus on one in particular. This idea involves changing the commonly accepted notion of foster-parenting and incorporating “radical foster parenting.”

Radical foster parenting, by my definition, requires a foster parent to:

• Provide a safe, caring and loving home for a child in foster care. 
• Serve, mentor, teach and love the biological parents of a foster child.  
• Serve, mentor, teach and connect to the biological family of a foster child.  
• Nurture the natural relationships that exist for children and their biological families. 
• Let a child go so they can return to their biological parents and work to make this happen.
• Hold on to a child whose biological parents can’t make it work and hold on to that child forever (adopt).

Why is this so radical? To begin, the longstanding notion of foster-to-adopt is a great idea. Becoming a foster parent in the hopes of adopting a child is a foundation to the foster care and adoption system. Foster children need to be adopted, at all ages, in every part of the United States. However, this mindset often leads to problems. Foster parents suffer severe heartache and trauma when a child leaves their home.  They have major reservations about biological parents and what those parents “did” to their children.  And sometimes they may sabotage (unknowingly and unintentionally) a biological parent’s progress in reunifying with their child.

Some people never consider becoming foster parents in the first place because of the horror stories they’ve heard. Radical foster parenting directly contradicts foster-to-adopt foster parenting. It requires a foster parent to be a caregiver to BOTH the child and the biological parent. It requires a focus on children and parents reuniting. It requires a focus on children and their families remaining connected and as strong as possible.

For Christian families, this is gospel-centered, missional living at its finest. Biological parents often have no support systems, no idea of how to care for their children, and no one to turn to. Foster families are in the unique position to be missionaries to these families, with the unique opportunity to let broken people know that even though they are broken, there is redemption and opportunity for change. Biological parents need to know that someone cares for their child and that someone knows they have the ability to care for their own child. Broken people need to know that the message of the gospel will save their lives.

There are families that do this and live this radical concept out. Those foster parents I have met and worked with who do radical foster parenting really change the world. These foster parents never “lose” that child. In fact, most of them become pseudo-family members and end up as weekend babysitters, invites for holidays and hosts for family dinners. I have met foster parents who are now “grandparents” of former foster children because they never let those ties distinguish. I know of biological parents who have become devoted members of foster parents’ churches because a foster parent was the first person to ask them to come to church.

In my view, Christian foster families have the ability to change the world and to save people’s lives. Many choose to save the life of children who enter the foster care system. Yet, they have the opportunity to save the lives of an entire family of a child who enters the foster care system. They have the opportunity to become a missionary to not just one, but an entire community. 

Join me on October 1 and 2 in Austin, TX to learn more about adoption and foster at Together For Adoption. http://www.togetherforadoption.org 

Saint

I was in a good conversation last night with one of our pastors Bob Bickford.  Often I refer to our organization in the same likeness as a family system.  There are generations of leaders, systems of thought, patterns of behavior, etc.  In this frame of looking at our leaders and our organization, I’ve regularly used the terms “Culture Maintainers” and “Culture Shifters.”  As Bob and I spoke about someone we knew who was a culture shifter, Bob expanded the idea, “That dude doesn’t just shift culture.  He builds it.”  

Ah!  He was right.  I’ve used the idea of shifting culture synonymously with building culture.  But that’s incomplete.  Shifting culture implies that you’re already in it.  It’s a living organism.  It’s like water in a mountain river and when a tree or boulder falls in it, the water shifts around the object yet keeps flowing.  But sometimes to shift culture, the only option is to create an entirely new one.  I call the person who does this the “Cultural Architect.”

In the movie Inception, the dream sequences were created by an architect.  What did they do?  They created the rules of the world the dreamers would live in.  They designed the streets, the buildings, the layers, and every detail.  Architects of culture work similarly.  They see the addition of all the small things and how they contribute to a larger context.  Then they find ways to communicate both the small things and the context in a way that’s attractive.  

In Daniel Pink’s book A Whole New Mind, he explains how right-brainers create meaningful experiences out of mundane practices.  In a nutshell, he said they use story, design, empathy, play, meaning, and symphony as the tools to create a better world.  For the culture-architects I know, these are their implied strategies.  

Let me back up:  Who are the culture-maintainers and the culture-shifters?  How do they relate to the architect?  Let’s use the idea from Pink’s book about symphony.   We could think of it like this: the musicians, the conductor and the composer.

Cultural maintenance is key.  These are the musicians in the symphony.  You can’t do it without them.  Together they can create absolute symphonic harmony or the worst dissonance.  But having the right players, the ones who know the music, know its intent, and know how to take what’s on the page and make it translate, is the key to maintaining the vision of the piece.  It happens from the note on the page to the hearers ear.  

Cultural shifting is important too.  The conductor does this.  When dissonance, pace, or the swells of strengths and weaknesses fall out of line, it’s the conductor’s hands that put everyone back together.  She’s visible.  She understands the composer’s heart, intent and content.  She can help the players when they’re confused.  She can make sure she has the right players for the right spot.  She shifts things before, during and after performance to create symphonic harmony.  She has an intuitive sense for where things are moving, and a concrete sense of how things should be.  Having the wrong conductor can mean a train wreck.

But none of this is possible without the composer.  He doesn’t just write in the notes—hundreds of thousands of notes.  He dreams and listens, and from his mind dictates not just the pitch but the variation, tone, and mood of how each note is played.  This composer knows what to say and how to say it.  He is the architect of an entire experience that evolves all the way from the initial inspiration to the execution of the final note.  Each instrument knows its part.  In here, but not there.  Loud here.  Soft here.  Gently.  All together.  The result is a power that transcends the pencil lead that scribbled the note on the page.  The composer has reached into the minds and hearts of everyone involved—musicians, conductors, and audience—and framed their participation in his world.  

The application for those of us in leadership is to understand the power and importance of each role and position people where they fit.  I didn’t mention the Culture-Resistors.  They exist too.  They are the ones who neither support or change the world they’re in.  They consistently resist it.  You may need to remove them, or coach them up so they can eventually become the right kind of resistance and help shift culture when needed.  It may be helpful to look at your teams and leaders and think about who fits where.  Do you have the composers in your organization?  What about conductors and players?  Are they in the right spot?  What can you do in your organization to create symphony?

jd  

I thought I’d repackage this whole story and post it again.  Here it is piece by piece.  The latest with us is we are still pursuing adoption.  It is a lot of waiting.  We are excited and hopeful and in a pretty good place these days.  In the meantime, Miranda and I are enjoying the summer together, laughing a lot and trying to keep it light.  Hope you readers are doing well, that those of you in the midst of trials like ours can stay hopeful and near to one another.  As you read, remember that persevering through suffering brings strength, that working through doubt brings assurance, and that wading through grief can bring rest and purpose.  

jd

Adoption Part 1: The Beginning
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Adoption Part 2: Handling Obstacles
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Adoption Part 3: Life
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Adoption Part 4: Light in Darkness
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Is Hope Foolish?
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Grief
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jd